So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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