So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
my liver is dry heaving
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Randomize
