I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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