got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
We need to rekindle our bromance
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
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