He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
