Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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