I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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