Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
