So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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