Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
