And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
