she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
