Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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