i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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