from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
