if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
accomplished twins. life is a go
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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