oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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