Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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