I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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