New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
