I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
