I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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