people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
