I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
this is an emotional support booty call
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
