just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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