Can Purell be used as lube?
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Randomize
