You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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