Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
