oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
