Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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