i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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