My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
