Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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