my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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