so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
