The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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