And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
