I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
