Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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