I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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