is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
