I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Randomize
