Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
i drank out of a bidet.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
