No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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