I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
