just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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