The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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