She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
