If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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