the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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