ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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