I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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