well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
