don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
this just has baby written all over it
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
