Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I pour the whiskey from now on
My life is pants optional.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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