I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
