One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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