my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize