Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
