i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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