So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize