I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
