i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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