I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
