dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
