What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
