Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
